In memory of Dan

Daniel Nathan Roe
Feb 2 1986 - March 7 2024

Written by Lauren Mansfield, May 23rd, 2024

I’ve been trying to write a blog for about six months now. I’ve been avoiding it. Putting yourself out there is scary. I’ve always been a very reserved person, so putting words out for others to read is not something I’m super comfortable with. I feel vulnerable. But if sharing experiences can help someone feel a little less alone then obviously it’s worth it.

I feel a deep responsibility to speak up and have meaningful conversations about mental health.  Suicide is the leading cause of death for people aged 15-24. My cousin Daniel took his own life a few months ago. He was a kind and gentle soul, and no one knew he was struggling. It’s always hard wondering if there was something that could have been said or done. I want to start a conversation in his memory, to try and help in some way. Isn’t it our role as leaders in the community to share our stories and experiences to try and help others? Especially to help the ones looking up at us. I think it’s becoming a pressing duty now more than ever. How can we help young people who are struggling with life’s challenges? Perhaps a small part of it is being more open about what we’ve been through.

I’ll begin here...

I have struggled with a lot of mental challenges during my career and my life. Depression, anxiety, low self-worth, insecurities, negative body-image. The list goes on. I know I’m not the only one. The mind can be a scary place. And I know it’s only getting scarier for young people who are so heavily influenced by what they see through screens. I feel driven to be open about these different struggles on this blog. I’m hoping maybe others will join me and share their stories too.

The biggest mental struggle I’ve ever faced has been watching my brother Jay go through his fight with cancer. Jay was diagnosed with Stage Four bowel cancer about 3 years ago now. He was my hero growing up, and he still is to this day. I fell in love with basketball watching him play. I always wanted to play just like him. And now, I do (and I can finally beat him in 1v1).

Watching someone suffer is hard. It’s scary and confronting and you feel helpless. It’s all out of your control. As an athlete, I’m so used to being able to do everything I can in the day to control my performance and/or outcomes; training hard, eating right, sleeping enough, learning, recovering. But with this, I had absolutely no control. I could check in on Jay and send him messages of encouragement. But there wasn’t much more I could do, and I really struggled with that.

I went through phases of depression. I was so worried for Jay. Each day was a grind, especially the days I knew he was going in for treatment or a surgery. The stress around scans and waiting for results was emotionally exhausting. Some days were much worse than others and it was unpredictable. Getting out of bed took a lot of effort. I didn’t want to go to trainings and sometimes just having a conversation felt like hard work. I was drowning in overwhelmingly negative emotions. Stress, sadness, guilt, dread, fear. I didn’t know how to come up for air. I can’t even begin to imagine what Jay was going through. But I knew I wasn’t ok. I needed help. I went and saw a psychologist. I needed to talk to someone to process what was happening with Jay and everything that I was feeling. This helped me a lot. There is no shame in reaching out and getting help. We must look after our mental health like our life depends on it. Because in many cases, it does.  

I’m sharing this experience because I think it’s important to share our struggles. We all share our life highlights on social media but leave out the rest. Maybe we can be more open about the lows too and give insight on lessons we’ve learnt along the way. I still struggle, and I’m definitely not an expert, but I did find some things that helped me to put one foot in front of the other and show up for each day. Here are some strategies that helped me when I was struggling most:

-              Talking to someone.

-              Journaling. 

-              Doing something arty/crafty.

-              Being around young kids.
(they keep me in the moment)

-              Taking 5-10 deep breaths.

-              Noticing 5 colours
Look around and notice 5 different coloured objects. This forces you out of your thoughts and into the present moment.

I guess the most important part is to keep showing up. And if there are days that you can’t, that’s ok too. Give yourself grace. Some days you might have to rely on those around you a little more. But just know that you are not alone. We all struggle. I think sometimes we are supposed to. It’s how we build our strength.

Jay is doing well, and still inspiring me every day. 

I hope that anyone who reads this knows that there is a space here if they need it. I’d love for this to one day be a community of support. Somewhere people can be listened to. Sometimes it helps to be heard and feel part of something. If you are an athlete (or anyone) willing to share a story or experience that might help someone, please email me at lauren@capbasketball.net

Always remember to check in on your loved ones, you never know who might need it. You could literally save someone’s life.

If you, or someone you know is struggling, please ask for help. Lifeline offers 24/7 support – 13 11 14

Rest easy Dan.